Lonely World

Disclaimer: I realize that the next few posts won't be in chronological order. But I started writing a couple detailing our trip, but I want to get the stuff that's on my mind out of the way first. Thanks.

Despite the good time I had on R&R in Atlanta, I kind of missed being in Germany. I mean, I missed my house, I missed Taz and I felt like I was missing out on a lot of the business I usually tend to. But leaving Woodstock this time was different. The night before, we were in bed talking and I could sense that we were both thinking about how much fun we'd had and how our time together was coming to a close. When we hugged goodbye at the terminal for me to catch my flight, it was almost overwhelming for me. I'm glad I got on the plane first. To wait with him at the gate, the loved ones of other soldiers saying goodbye, I think would have been too much for me. Once I got on the plane, I couldn't think about him, I had to think about other things. What was going on in the new Cosmo, what I had to do in Germany, whatever.

When I got to Baltimore, the waiting for my space A flight began. A little of my anxiety subsided when I realized another person from Schweinfurt that I know was on the flight. So, I had a ride home. Woodstock and I got a chance to chat online before his flight boarded and it felt like old times, like normal, like we weren't even apart. Talking to the other Schweinfurt resident and the lesbian who had a crush on her (sorry, thats for another post) passed the time quickly. The flight started boarding at 915 and for technical reasons we didn't take off until after midnight. I fell asleep waiting, and by the time we left, I was ready to be home. But on the ride home from Ramstein, I felt like, what am I rushing home TO. I went by RR#2 house to get Taz so I wouldn't be home alone, but even so, it's like this loneliness enveloped me when I walked into the house. The crazy part is I LIKE being by myself. Or else I think I do. Maybe I've just grown accustomed to it, and have mistaken that for liking it. Whatever the case, I didn't like it. So I started calling people. Of course, no one was home. I chatted online with Cindy ( I haven't come up with a psuedonym for her yet) and then fell asleep.

So you know what happened next, right? Woodstock called. Before I left, I'd set the answering machine to pick up at 2 rings instead of 6, so I awoke to hear him on the machine. He said he'd call the cell. So, when the cell phone rang, I ran to it, picked it up, and .... nothing. I know we just left each other, but for some reason, just to hear his voice on the machine made me feel better though, I wish, and am still wishing and waiting at 1 a.m., that he will get a chance to call back. That he gets the chance to know that I miss him already and although we were in this house (apt?) only a month before he had to leave, it just doesn't feel the same without him. I know that in a few days I'll be back to what I now consider normal life. I'll be busy, I'll have things to do, and I will be begging for days when I can just come home and hope that I can watch TV in peace or go 2 hours without getting a telephone call or having something to do. But right now, all I can do is watch TV and think how funny Woodstock would find this Lt. Dangle and Deputy Junior interview on this late night TV show. All I can think of is, how very alone I feel in this house.

And I want him to know that no matter my moods or my silent periods or the times I don't really want to hear another person talk, I wish he was here.

When I think of Home

You know how sometimes you like something, I don’t know what, just anything. And it’s like the best thing you’ve ever had, because you have nothing else. You have nothing to compare it to. But then you try something else and then it makes you question the thing you had before; makes you wonder if it was as great as you thought it was.

Being in the states, being around family has made me do that. I wondered aloud on many occasions why people would return to the states jus because of a deployment. The duty station was their new home now, the home they shared with their husband and kids, if they have any. Don’t get me wrong, I do have friends in Germany. I have plans, I have things to do. But being here, it makes me wonder what’s the point? The majority of my friends in Germany, I will never talk to again. Being there sometimes is like being in a play. Except the stage is my life. And I have to be this person, and do these things, because it’s what’s expected. But is that really me? It’s very easy to blur the lines between doing what I like, doing what’s right, and just doing what’s expected of me.

Being here also reminds of what it’s like to have a family. I haven’t lived in the same vicinity as my family for many, many years. And even though they get on my nerves, I like it. I like having people around me that I know have my back no matter what, no matter what stupid thing I may say or do. I can just be myself, whether that be good or bad. Whether I’m feeling charitable or bitchy, they will ignore me, or possibly get mad, but regardless, they will love me after I’m out of my funk. Here, there’s always something. There’s always some kind of drama or a situation that needs smoothing over or someone’s hurt feelings or ego that needs to be stroked. And I’m tired. I’m tired of having to be so strong all the time, I’m tired of not being able to let my guard down, and of having to tread softly, always holding back a piece of myself in order not to offend someone.

I just want to go back to a time where I was free to just be myself, free to be sad sometimes. Free to want to be by myself sometimes, free to do things I want to do and when there is something I don’t want to do but have to, free to say that. I’m hoping that when I get back to the states for good, it will be a place of freedom for me. The freedom that I now long for.

I just hope I’m not disappointed.

Coming Home

This week, I've come to the states for a vacation after a year of being gone. The main reason for the trip is because Woodstock wanted to go to Atlanta for his R&R. So I decided to get here a little early and visit my fam in Mississippi. As I cleaned, packed and otherwise got ready for my trip, I had mixed feelings. I was excited about seeing Jamil and getting a break from all of my, um, volunteering, but at the same time it didn't feel like I was going home, it felt like I was leaving home. Since I've been on my own, I've never been away from my new home more than 2 weeks. And that 2 weeks only happened last year for Christmas. I was leaving my new "family" behind, my friends, my "work", my commitments, and Taz (I couldnt' bring him on a space A flight).
But since I’ve been here, it’s like everything I’ve missed in the past year has been experienced in the past 4 days. So what have I learned?

1) How to have a dad: I flew into Baltimore and to make sure I didn’t miss my flight, I scheduled my connection for the following day. RR #2 arranged for me to be able to stay with her parents for a couple of nights. For a day and a half, it was like having a “real’ family, one with a mom and a dad. We talked; about the weather, crime in the city, just normal stuff. Her dad dropped me off at the mall. We watched “judge” shows together – you know, Judge Mathis, Judge Joe Brown, People’s Court – and laughed at how stupid people could be and what we thought the verdicts would be. I asked for a slice of cake, and like dads do, he offered extras; ice cream, strawberries and chocolate syrup. When it was time for my early morning flight, her dad gave me a ride to the airport. But what he also gave me was some adult memories of a father.

2) How to be a big sister: I haven’t really lived in the house with my little sister since she’s been old enough to understand who was who. When I went to undergrad, she was only 5 years old. So, to get here and find a teenager on the verge of adulthood blew my mind. We went shopping together (she helped me pick out Woodstock’s anniversary gift) and we cooked together. We made Super Bowl snacks and mocktails, and I even taught her how to make shrimp curry. Though I doubt she will remember how to make any of it, I hope she will remember the fun we had doing it.

3) How to have a family: Since Woodstock has been gone, I’ve gone back to my old ways. I am used to be alone. I’m used to following my own schedule, and doing things when I want to. I prefer to have a couple of hours of silence after I wake up. I like to read books and newspapers and surf the ‘net without being disturbed. I like to watch TV in silence. Since I’ve been here, none of that has happened. I wake up at 6 a.m. because that’s what time the rest of the house wakes up. I go pick up my grandma when she needs a ride when I borrow mom’s car. I am constantly interrupted while doing things that I’d rather do silently. I cook and wash dishes without complaining. I laugh at grandma’s jokes, and hold back my laughter when she says something I find hilarious. And even though some things may get on my nerves, I’ve had a good time here, and I feel like part of a family again.

I’ll be leaving Gulfport Friday morning to meet up with Woodstock to start his 2 weeks of R&R. So my last lesson to remember will be how to be a good wife. Wish me luck.

Catch up

Ok, my 5 friends have increased to 6, and half of you are putting pressure on me to post more. So, ta da! Two posts in one day. Although this one is kind of cheating, since it's on my myspace page. However, since my dinosaur friends HAVE no myspace pages, it's almost like being brand new right? I also think I've done something like this before, but it's OK. You can never know too much about me :) (Note to self: the world does not revolve around you, the world does not revolve around you ....) There are a couple changes from myspace because you 6 aren't "super" military and my little sister's on myspace. Enough said.

There! Enjoy!

List 4 favorite colors:1. black2. Green3. pink4. that's it

Today have you...

Made a new friend -No
Laughed until you cried – No
Went behind your parents back - Of course not
Found out who your true friends were – No, I already know who they are
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF:1. George Bush: I find it hard to watch him speak and not burst out laughing - or crying
2. Gay Marriage?: I don't very much care. If everyone worried about their own marriages and not the potential marriages of others, perhaps the divorce rate would be lower
3. Lowering the drinking age?: I don't think so ...
4. Straight, Gay, Bi?: Straight
5. Who is the best hugger that you know?: The last hug I got was from Taz. But does it count if I did the hugging?
6. Do you believe in love at first sight: No
7. Is there something you want to tell someone: Yes, Woodstock ... 2 weeks!!!!
8. What brand of shirt are you wearing?: I don't know, some cheap tank top
9. How many kids do you want to have?: + /- 2
10. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?: Yes, with my mom
11. Do you wanna change your name?: No1
12. What did you do for your last birthday?: Probably sat at home with Taz and eventually went to RR #2's house
13. What time did you wake up today?: around 7:30. Taz came out of the room, like WHAT?
14. What were you doing at midnight last night?: Watching the shield, waiting to see if Woodstock come off patrol
15. Name something you CANNOT wait to do: R&R!!!
18. Missing anyone?: Yeah, Wood
19. What do you want to be when your older?: Journalism professor
20. Who Do You Want to Be with at this time?: Woodstock
21.What are you listening to right now?: "Have you forgotten" - Avril Lavigne
22. Have you ever donated money to a good cause?: Does it count if I spend my own money on stuff for church, FRG, girl scouts, sorority?
24. Have you ever talked about someone behind their back: Hm, probably. But I go back and tell them what I said.
25. What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone?: I don't know, but on Sunday I wore some perfume someone left at my house back in Tally
26. Who's getting on your nerves right now: Mean Girl Scout moms
27. Most visited webpage?: Yahoo Mail
28. Coke or Pepsi?: Rum
30. Do you have a crush on someone: no
31. Have you kissed or been kissed by anyone in the past week? Sis Ej
32. Have you had sex in the past week?: no
32. Do you enjoy your friendships with your friends?: Yes

Hope you've learned something more about me. I know you were wondering, lol.

No more drama

There's this R. Kelly song where he says, "Everywhere I go, trouble follows me."

I'm beginning to think I've got whatever he has. Well, despite the child molestation of course. (Alleged! I know!) Sometimes, I admit I bring the drama upon myself, but more times than not, it seems to seek me out.

Case in point: About a month after meeting someone - a fellow military spouse - I somehow found myself sitting outside her house, both of us wearing wigs and sweating in the summer heat, while staking out the husband she thought was cheating. We sat there a couple of hours, and when he didn't leave the house, she went inside. And that's just one example.

Things in my life that I think should be simple turn out to be mind-numbingly dramatic. The things I do to "give back" to the community seem to be wrought with contoversy and confusion. I wanted to start up the church step team. Not even a week passes before I get an angry phone call (albeit a controlled anger) from a parent demanding why her child wasnt on it. I want to be in a play - some equipment gets stolen and the cast is put in the middle of some feud between the director and a castmate. I volunteer to be a Girl Scout leader, and I seem to walk into a situation where some of the parents seem hell bent on making me and the other co-leader fail. Maybe it's the fact that we're the only two black leaders in the council. Or maybe it's this bad juju I apparently have that causes all the possible negative consequences of any given situation be thrust upon me.

Seriously, I sometimes think that if I could step outside of myself, my life would be like a movie. Well, not a very good movie. Because the dramatic turns would never make any sense.

"Wait a minute, she wakes up one morning and the car doesn't start? And the week before the neighbors called the police on her because the dog was barking? That's stupid. "

Stupid, but true. Even when I get sick, it does nothing to add to the dramatic arc.
"Woah, now she has TMJ!" or "I'm so scared for her. What if the toxoplasmosis acts up?"

And sometimes the situation is just plain uncanny. When Jamil and I were dating, a friend of mine and I went to Tampa to visit a high school friend. We ended up at a higher end black club and were having a good time. Being the broke-ster (and hustler) that I am, I got this dude to buy me a drink (apple martini if you're curious) and gave him a fake name and number. So, around 3 months or so later, me and Woodstock went to Tampa and hung out with the high school friend at the same club. Friend and I are chatting while Woodstock hits the bathroom when this guy sits beside us and starts smoking. We're not even paying him any attention when he starts talking to us. He rambles on for a minute, says something about some hoes, when I realize: this is the SAME dude from months ago! Seriously, how does this stuff happen to me?!?

Of course maybe I'm just being paranoid and I somehow unwittingly create all of this drama in my life because of a subconcious need for drama in my life.

Who knows. But what I do know is if you're hanging around me, watch yourself. Apparently I'm contagious. And I can't be held responsible for any drama I may bring into you life.

A Change is Gonna Come

It's time for an intervention.

Over the past two weeks, I've become a sort of shell of my usual self, sitting at home, watching back-to-back episodes of Lost (the 1st season) and eating from one of those big tubs of 3 flavor popcorn for most meals of the day (why are there even 3 flavors in there? No one eats the butter flavor). My utter pathetic-ness of my psuedo-depression is even becoming annoying to myself. I think my wake up call came last week when it was 6 p.m. and I was hungry. I'd neglected to go to the grocery store, and I was too lazy to leave the house. Hence, the dinner of 2 out of 3-flavor popcorn. Not to mention Friday's lunch debacle when I was so weak I had to eat an orange before I could leave the house to go get Popeye's. Even that was a struggle; why can't they deliver it to my house?

So, I've decided to do something about it. I'll call it a self intervention. Armed with a newfound sense of determination, and the echoes of yesterday's sermon on procrastination - (yes, he seriously preached on procrastination. And unlike last week's extra speech on asking for people's opinions , this admonishment was NOT because of me) - I decided that Sunday would be my last day of the pure laziness that I've been disguising as depression.

The result? I'm sitting at the computer amidst a pile of papers that I've begun to organize, getting this blog out of the way, mentally preparing my "10 things I can do to change my life today" per our Pastor's instruction, and reformatting Chrissy's iPod. And despite the pile of papers, and my failure to exercise today, I really did get something done. I cooked and ate breakfast, started cleaning the office, cleaned the kitchen, vacummed the living room, folded clothes, cleaned off the kitchen table and made some soup for dinner. I also started running errands, but couldn't do much since today was a "holiday." I think I should also be able count mowing the yard, even though I did it Saturday.
I also completely finished part 1 of the new member's handbook I'm making for my church. And you know, it actually feels good to be doing something again.

And my calendar for this week is filled up too. Hair appointment tomorrow, Coffee on Wednesday, Spouses club meeting at 11 on Thursday and a Girl Scout meeting at 2 (did I mention I'm a Girl Scout leader now?); wine party Friday (it's not what it sounds like).

So, I've decided to take my life back, to take this time to just do what I want to, even though this what I want to do won't make me any money. And that OK. I figured all this out, and I haven't even done my homework assignment for church yet, so I know there's more work to be done.

Now that I've got my life all figured out, you answer the question. What are 10 things YOU can do today to change your life?

Pieces of Me

Ok, it's official. There is some kind of glass curse on me. Seriously.

I tried to ignore it, but everytime I turn around something's breaking. It started at the old apartment - Woodstock and I both broke glasses within a week's time - but now it's starting to spiral out of control.

Last month, I broke a wine glass and a champagne flute, this week it was a martini glass (and before you try to put two and two together, believe me, these things are not occurring during drunken moments; most of the time the glasses aren't even being used!).

Oh, and it's not just limited to me, visitors are also susceptible. When mom was visiting, she broke a heavy ceramic plant holder while trying to open the window. Last week, while a friend was over fixing my computer, his child went to the bathroom and broke the soap dispenser. And five minutes ago, a glass piece chipped off as I was taking the glass out of the dishwasher, and another glass already on the shelf, was cracked! Seriously, what is going on? I'm switching to plastic, tacky though it might be. And I saw the cutest Lenox balloon set at the PX, but I'm terrified to buy it though, because I'm afraid they'll break. I also have goblets in the storage room that I'm hesitant to bring out. Is this some type of a sign? A case of symbolism - the glass representing my life shattering into tiny pieces until I'm completely broken? I don't know, but I don't like it.

I'm supposed to have a wine tasting/party next week, which of course requires wine glasses, of which I now have only 6. Since buying more just seems like delaying the inevitable, I may be forced to come up with an alternative, but I still have one question:

Does wine taste the same if you drink it out of those red plastic cups? I think next week we may find out.