Catch up

Ok, my 5 friends have increased to 6, and half of you are putting pressure on me to post more. So, ta da! Two posts in one day. Although this one is kind of cheating, since it's on my myspace page. However, since my dinosaur friends HAVE no myspace pages, it's almost like being brand new right? I also think I've done something like this before, but it's OK. You can never know too much about me :) (Note to self: the world does not revolve around you, the world does not revolve around you ....) There are a couple changes from myspace because you 6 aren't "super" military and my little sister's on myspace. Enough said.

There! Enjoy!

List 4 favorite colors:1. black2. Green3. pink4. that's it

Today have you...

Made a new friend -No
Laughed until you cried – No
Went behind your parents back - Of course not
Found out who your true friends were – No, I already know who they are
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF:1. George Bush: I find it hard to watch him speak and not burst out laughing - or crying
2. Gay Marriage?: I don't very much care. If everyone worried about their own marriages and not the potential marriages of others, perhaps the divorce rate would be lower
3. Lowering the drinking age?: I don't think so ...
4. Straight, Gay, Bi?: Straight
5. Who is the best hugger that you know?: The last hug I got was from Taz. But does it count if I did the hugging?
6. Do you believe in love at first sight: No
7. Is there something you want to tell someone: Yes, Woodstock ... 2 weeks!!!!
8. What brand of shirt are you wearing?: I don't know, some cheap tank top
9. How many kids do you want to have?: + /- 2
10. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?: Yes, with my mom
11. Do you wanna change your name?: No1
12. What did you do for your last birthday?: Probably sat at home with Taz and eventually went to RR #2's house
13. What time did you wake up today?: around 7:30. Taz came out of the room, like WHAT?
14. What were you doing at midnight last night?: Watching the shield, waiting to see if Woodstock come off patrol
15. Name something you CANNOT wait to do: R&R!!!
18. Missing anyone?: Yeah, Wood
19. What do you want to be when your older?: Journalism professor
20. Who Do You Want to Be with at this time?: Woodstock
21.What are you listening to right now?: "Have you forgotten" - Avril Lavigne
22. Have you ever donated money to a good cause?: Does it count if I spend my own money on stuff for church, FRG, girl scouts, sorority?
24. Have you ever talked about someone behind their back: Hm, probably. But I go back and tell them what I said.
25. What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone?: I don't know, but on Sunday I wore some perfume someone left at my house back in Tally
26. Who's getting on your nerves right now: Mean Girl Scout moms
27. Most visited webpage?: Yahoo Mail
28. Coke or Pepsi?: Rum
30. Do you have a crush on someone: no
31. Have you kissed or been kissed by anyone in the past week? Sis Ej
32. Have you had sex in the past week?: no
32. Do you enjoy your friendships with your friends?: Yes

Hope you've learned something more about me. I know you were wondering, lol.

No more drama

There's this R. Kelly song where he says, "Everywhere I go, trouble follows me."

I'm beginning to think I've got whatever he has. Well, despite the child molestation of course. (Alleged! I know!) Sometimes, I admit I bring the drama upon myself, but more times than not, it seems to seek me out.

Case in point: About a month after meeting someone - a fellow military spouse - I somehow found myself sitting outside her house, both of us wearing wigs and sweating in the summer heat, while staking out the husband she thought was cheating. We sat there a couple of hours, and when he didn't leave the house, she went inside. And that's just one example.

Things in my life that I think should be simple turn out to be mind-numbingly dramatic. The things I do to "give back" to the community seem to be wrought with contoversy and confusion. I wanted to start up the church step team. Not even a week passes before I get an angry phone call (albeit a controlled anger) from a parent demanding why her child wasnt on it. I want to be in a play - some equipment gets stolen and the cast is put in the middle of some feud between the director and a castmate. I volunteer to be a Girl Scout leader, and I seem to walk into a situation where some of the parents seem hell bent on making me and the other co-leader fail. Maybe it's the fact that we're the only two black leaders in the council. Or maybe it's this bad juju I apparently have that causes all the possible negative consequences of any given situation be thrust upon me.

Seriously, I sometimes think that if I could step outside of myself, my life would be like a movie. Well, not a very good movie. Because the dramatic turns would never make any sense.

"Wait a minute, she wakes up one morning and the car doesn't start? And the week before the neighbors called the police on her because the dog was barking? That's stupid. "

Stupid, but true. Even when I get sick, it does nothing to add to the dramatic arc.
"Woah, now she has TMJ!" or "I'm so scared for her. What if the toxoplasmosis acts up?"

And sometimes the situation is just plain uncanny. When Jamil and I were dating, a friend of mine and I went to Tampa to visit a high school friend. We ended up at a higher end black club and were having a good time. Being the broke-ster (and hustler) that I am, I got this dude to buy me a drink (apple martini if you're curious) and gave him a fake name and number. So, around 3 months or so later, me and Woodstock went to Tampa and hung out with the high school friend at the same club. Friend and I are chatting while Woodstock hits the bathroom when this guy sits beside us and starts smoking. We're not even paying him any attention when he starts talking to us. He rambles on for a minute, says something about some hoes, when I realize: this is the SAME dude from months ago! Seriously, how does this stuff happen to me?!?

Of course maybe I'm just being paranoid and I somehow unwittingly create all of this drama in my life because of a subconcious need for drama in my life.

Who knows. But what I do know is if you're hanging around me, watch yourself. Apparently I'm contagious. And I can't be held responsible for any drama I may bring into you life.

A Change is Gonna Come

It's time for an intervention.

Over the past two weeks, I've become a sort of shell of my usual self, sitting at home, watching back-to-back episodes of Lost (the 1st season) and eating from one of those big tubs of 3 flavor popcorn for most meals of the day (why are there even 3 flavors in there? No one eats the butter flavor). My utter pathetic-ness of my psuedo-depression is even becoming annoying to myself. I think my wake up call came last week when it was 6 p.m. and I was hungry. I'd neglected to go to the grocery store, and I was too lazy to leave the house. Hence, the dinner of 2 out of 3-flavor popcorn. Not to mention Friday's lunch debacle when I was so weak I had to eat an orange before I could leave the house to go get Popeye's. Even that was a struggle; why can't they deliver it to my house?

So, I've decided to do something about it. I'll call it a self intervention. Armed with a newfound sense of determination, and the echoes of yesterday's sermon on procrastination - (yes, he seriously preached on procrastination. And unlike last week's extra speech on asking for people's opinions , this admonishment was NOT because of me) - I decided that Sunday would be my last day of the pure laziness that I've been disguising as depression.

The result? I'm sitting at the computer amidst a pile of papers that I've begun to organize, getting this blog out of the way, mentally preparing my "10 things I can do to change my life today" per our Pastor's instruction, and reformatting Chrissy's iPod. And despite the pile of papers, and my failure to exercise today, I really did get something done. I cooked and ate breakfast, started cleaning the office, cleaned the kitchen, vacummed the living room, folded clothes, cleaned off the kitchen table and made some soup for dinner. I also started running errands, but couldn't do much since today was a "holiday." I think I should also be able count mowing the yard, even though I did it Saturday.
I also completely finished part 1 of the new member's handbook I'm making for my church. And you know, it actually feels good to be doing something again.

And my calendar for this week is filled up too. Hair appointment tomorrow, Coffee on Wednesday, Spouses club meeting at 11 on Thursday and a Girl Scout meeting at 2 (did I mention I'm a Girl Scout leader now?); wine party Friday (it's not what it sounds like).

So, I've decided to take my life back, to take this time to just do what I want to, even though this what I want to do won't make me any money. And that OK. I figured all this out, and I haven't even done my homework assignment for church yet, so I know there's more work to be done.

Now that I've got my life all figured out, you answer the question. What are 10 things YOU can do today to change your life?

Pieces of Me

Ok, it's official. There is some kind of glass curse on me. Seriously.

I tried to ignore it, but everytime I turn around something's breaking. It started at the old apartment - Woodstock and I both broke glasses within a week's time - but now it's starting to spiral out of control.

Last month, I broke a wine glass and a champagne flute, this week it was a martini glass (and before you try to put two and two together, believe me, these things are not occurring during drunken moments; most of the time the glasses aren't even being used!).

Oh, and it's not just limited to me, visitors are also susceptible. When mom was visiting, she broke a heavy ceramic plant holder while trying to open the window. Last week, while a friend was over fixing my computer, his child went to the bathroom and broke the soap dispenser. And five minutes ago, a glass piece chipped off as I was taking the glass out of the dishwasher, and another glass already on the shelf, was cracked! Seriously, what is going on? I'm switching to plastic, tacky though it might be. And I saw the cutest Lenox balloon set at the PX, but I'm terrified to buy it though, because I'm afraid they'll break. I also have goblets in the storage room that I'm hesitant to bring out. Is this some type of a sign? A case of symbolism - the glass representing my life shattering into tiny pieces until I'm completely broken? I don't know, but I don't like it.

I'm supposed to have a wine tasting/party next week, which of course requires wine glasses, of which I now have only 6. Since buying more just seems like delaying the inevitable, I may be forced to come up with an alternative, but I still have one question:

Does wine taste the same if you drink it out of those red plastic cups? I think next week we may find out.

Scared

Well, if you live here, you know that I am in the midst of the worst-week-ever. Since I've been here, I've marveled at how safe Germany is. No need to lock car doors! I can leave the back door open for Taz! That type of thing. For me, it was like being back home in Gulfport where we felt safe, even knowing that we had a window that couldn't be locked. Even so, I still locked the car doors, per Woodstock's instruction. But apparently, the other night, I wasn't careful enough. When I got up the next morning, I started my day by going to pick up a friend to go downtown. Instinctively, I got ready to rake through the change Jamil keeps in the front console. Except it wasn't there. Panicked, I looked through the car ... what else was missing? It was mostly random stuff, pin-on rank without the backs, the Pink Panther costume the pastor's wife let me borrow (don't ask. Just ... don't), Jamil's sunglasses and my iPod. Thank goodness it was a shuffle, because if not, I would have really been tripping. When I went to the MP station to fill out a report, I was pissed. How DARE someone do this to me? And it wasn't about what was taken, but the principle: someone was in my car!

But later that night, as I prepared for bed, I had another feeling. Fear. I've never really been scared of many things - not genuinely scared I mean. And this feeling I had, I don't know. I thought back to last week when the wind blew over the mat in my backyard. What if the wind didn't blow it over? What if someone was checking for the key that I usually keep there and thank God, put away. I tiptoed outside in my slippers, just to make sure I'd locked the car door. Everytime I heard voices or a car door slam, I glanced out of the window suspiciously. And when I heard a door slam twice, but never heard footsteps, I went outside to investigate, arms folded with a frown on my face. Hmmm... a green Mercedes SUV, that looks unfamiliar. That night I stayed up as late as possible and then went to sleep on the couch.

I've always thought of myself as a strong, black woman. Although I've never been in a fight, I have no doubt that after surveying the scene for weapons, I could totally dole out a pretty good a-- whoopin'. I'm the one who picked bugs off of screaming women and children, and flicked them away. So this fear, this feeling that perhaps someone could come into the house and get me ... I don't know how to describe it. The pastor's wife told me to recite a scripture, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." And I tried to recite it, but of course I can never remember the entire thing.

But I tried. And I told myself that I wouldn't be afraid. I've prayed about it, and I have received peace about the whole situation.

Even so, one little thing still looms in the back of mind, something that I will have to repent for if the time comes:

If I see Pink Panther walking down the street, I'm punching him in the face.

And then I'll ask for forgiveness.

This Too Shall Pass

Well, the day has finally come. Woodstock left last week.

And it was more difficult than I thought it would be. The actual leaving – the hour we get for family time, and watching the bus leave – wasn’t so bad. Our pastors and their family and another minister came out to support us and another brother that left that day. We laughed and joked and prayed during that hour. It wasn’t sad at all; I didn’t cry. But maybe that’s because I’d already had my time a week prior at church. Everyone who was deploying was asked to come to the front for prayer and I just lost it. I mean, I didn’t fall out or anything like that, I just quietly excused myself. I think that’s when reality really set in for me. I’m hoping the first night apart is the hardest. I held on the entire day – alternately reading O magazine and Cosmo; talking to friends and family on the phone; watching the 1st season of Grey’s Anatomy. But in the end, all those distractions – along with an apple martini or two – still didn’t do anything to numb the pain that he won’t be around every day. I’ll look at the grass growing higher, but he won’t be here to do anything about it. Or when my car’s acting funny, I’ll be the one to actually set things up. When I’ve had a bad day, and come home, only Taz will be here to hear it. The worst part for me right now is that I've always thought I was a pretty strong person, but this situation has me feeling differently, like maybe I'm not as strong as I thought. I don't know.

A week later, I'm feeling a little bit better. I gave myself from the day he left until today to get my s%%t together. So today I finally got up and mowed the grass. Then Taz locked me out of the house (don't ask) so I had to jump the fence, go to a neighbor's house, call my friend with the extra key and wait on my doorstep like an idiot. But that little bit actually showed me that I'll be OK, even in a difficult situation and has made me grateful for my neighbors (OK, we really just met today) and friends. I even went to the gym, ran some errands and made an appointment for a job. (FYI, my old job was temporary and despite my boss's best intentions, my extension and rehiring were denied)

I've also received to date one phone call and several e-mails from Woodstock so it feels good have some contact. I even called and chatted with mom-in-law. I know this is random because I wrote it over the whole week - I wasn't playing about not doing anything for a week. So during this time, I still have a lot to stay busy. Hopefully a new job (part-time), I'll start sending out some queries about writing freelance, and I'm in a play.

Plus, I have to spend some of this month mentally preparing for my mom's trip here next month.

But that's a whole 'nother post.

p.s. I totally can't figure out how to post pictures anymore, so from now on any new pics we take are on the flickr thing on the left.

What about your friends

So, I'm back finally, after being without phone or internet since I moved 2 1/2 weeks ago. For starters, I love the new place! We are decorating, getting things together, and finally settled again enough last week to invite people over.

The move, however, also marked another new beginning in my life. A situation happened this week that made me really think about some things. I won't get into details (in case some people are reading, I don't want to add fuel to an already blazing fire that I'm still unsure as to how it all went down) but I will say that it made me grateful for all of my real friends. Grateful to the point where I actually thanked God for sending me those friends, and for allowing those who aren't true friends revealing their true selves before I, and many other wives, begin what is sure to be a stressful time. I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, but never before this week has any of the core facets of my being been attacked. The main one: honesty. I feel that I am an honest person, and often to a fault. I will tell it like it is, and will give criticisms to anyone's face, whether they like it or not. Even so, I'm fiercely loyal. My friends, and even those who aren't, can call me in a time of need or crisis, and I"ll be there. Now, I may not necessarily be happy as I drag myself out of be at 2 a.m. to 1) bail a boyfriend out of jail 2) beat that b***h down 3) be a shoulder to cry on 4) make a pitcher of Cosmos for a man-bashing meeting (just kidding Woodstock) 5)Deliver a baby or any of the other things I have been called on to do in the past (or future), but have no doubt about it; I will do it. It's not even a question. So my welcome back post is dedicated to those friends, listed in no particular order.

1) Ms. King (like your new alias?) - We were friends before we even met for the first time. I don't recall how I got in touch with you, but I thank God that I did. You are a great friend, and I feel that I can share anything with you. Don't ever hesitate to ask me for anything - it's done. I'll even babysit. For free. And I won't complain about having to change diapers.

2) Tif - I think that you are one of the few (new) people that I can totally be myself around. Meaning I can come to your house, eat your food, watch your satellite TV and not even have to talk if I don't want to because I'm in a crappy mood. I appreciate that. Now when are you coming to Germany?

3) Riddler - You are the meanest nice person I know. Thanks for getting me through those tough times, and making me be nice to people. Even when I don't want to. And for letting me vent to you while you're at work when I know that you actually have a job where you're expecte to work!

4) Gulfport Crew (Apple Jacks, Jeffy and Kenny)- Oh, my dear friends, even though I know none of you will read this, thanks for everything. For being there, for keeping it real, for not letting me walk out the house/go to the club/ go to school - while looking a mess. I know that I will hear the truth from you three whether I want to or not. AJ will fight for me, Jeffy will play the peacemaker, and Kenny will let me know whether or not that 10-inch ponytail will come out during the fight. Of course, you are all more than that and more. And I thank you.

5) Taz - Cause you're so cute! And even when I've had a crappy day and yell at you, you still jump up in my lap and lick my hand, and make me feel like I'm the only one in the world you want to scratch your ears.

Lastly, Woodstock, because you are my friend when no one else is around, you have seen me at my worst and still love me, and you let me rant, rave and curse. For 10 minutes. Before giving me a hug and telling me to get over it.

Of course there are more friends out there who have done lots, but this is my list for now because these are the folks who I've actually spoken with recently and you all know that my memory is bad. So anyone I left out: forgive me. Don't curse me out. Don't talk about me behind my back. Don't call so-and-so and say "I can't believe that heffa left me out."

But then again, if you say any of those things, perhaps we weren't friends anyway.